Tonight, I was supposed to be working on school stuff.

The to-do list is full. My calendar is full. My brain? Also full. But my motivation? Pretty empty lately. I’ve been in a weird space—drifting through homework, halfway committed to tasks, and just not feeling like me. So tonight, instead of being productive, I laid in bed and started scrolling through reels on my phone… mindlessly at first.

But something happened.

It started with one Christian song… then another… and then another. Reel after reel filled my screen with worship, encouragement, and truth. Not fluff. Not trending audios. But messages. Each one more aligned than the last. It wasn’t random. It wasn’t just the algorithm. It was God. Gently… intentionally… lovingly… reaching me in a moment I didn’t even realize I needed Him.

When the Darkness Feels Familiar

It’s not always easy to write about the hard days—especially when I’m still in one.

Lately, I’ve been in a bit of a funk. The kind of space where everything takes more energy than it should. Getting out of bed takes effort. Doing the work feels impossible. Sometimes the sadness is hard to name, but I know it well.

I feel it most when I’m alone.

I feel it most when I miss Will.

I feel it most when the silence is loud.

And while it’s not the same darkness I experienced back in 2018… it’s still real. It still pulls at me. It still makes me want to retreat, disconnect, and pour myself into things that don’t truly matter—just to escape it.

But here’s the miracle: God still meets me there. Even in the quiet. Even in the scroll. Even in the dark.

A Rabbit Hole That Turned Into Revelation

Watching reels in bed is something I usually do when I don’t want to think. It’s not sacred. It’s not spiritual. It’s just noise. But tonight… God used it.

What started with a Disney pin unboxing quickly turned into back-to-back worship songs. Not random ones either—songs I needed. Songs like I Can Only Imagine and Get Behind Me. A playlist only God could’ve curated.

Then came the one that wrecked me.

It said:

🕊️ “God is saying these four things to you: I will make a way for you. I’m fighting your battles. I will provide for you. Trust my timing.”

I don’t know who made that video. But I know who sent it.

When Love Feels Distant

There’s another piece of my story I don’t talk about often. And honestly, it’s because I know others have it worse. I don’t want to compare pain or make it seem like my situation is heavier than someone else’s. But tonight, I need to say it out loud:

This is hard.

Will and I are in a chapter that stretches my heart in every direction. Most days, I don’t talk about it. But if you know me, you’ve probably read between the lines. You’ve probably seen the weariness in my smile or felt the ache in the quiet moments I don’t post.

Today I barely got to talk to him.

I know he’s busy—school, working with the dog, band practice, all the things to keep him moving forward—but that doesn’t make the silence easier. For me, those are the hardest days. The ones without check-ins. The ones where our connection feels just out of reach.

Seeing him once a month—when I’m even allowed to get in—doesn’t feel like enough. It never will. I’ve walked out of visits in tears because no matter how much I smile in the moment, it still ends with goodbye. I just want to bring him home. I want our bed back. Our rhythm back. Our everyday back.

There are things people take for granted that I never will again.

So tonight, as I lay alone in the bed we once shared, with worship music playing and tears falling, I felt it. Not just sadness. But God. Meeting me here. Holding the pieces I couldn’t hold myself.

Every reel. Every lyric. Every verse layered over a piano track was a little thread God used to wrap around my heart. To say, “I see you. You’re not alone. I’m still here.”

Because today I walked through stores feeling aimless. I wasn’t my bubbly self. I wasn’t smiling at strangers or joking with cashiers. I was quiet. Worried. Sad. And yes, I can fake it—but tonight, I’m not. I’m letting the sadness show. I’m letting the tears fall. I’m letting God carry me through it.

Because right now… I need Him.

✨ Declaration in Dark Nights ✨

“I’m taking back what the enemy stole.
I’m raising the battle cry.
I’m holding the banner high that—with the power of the Holy Ghost…”

Tauren Wells

🕊️ So… Are You Listening?

This post isn’t to say I’ve figured it all out. I haven’t. I’m still walking through it. Still trying to show up. Still learning to listen.

But I share this because maybe you’re in the dark too. Maybe your motivation is gone. Maybe your heart is heavy for reasons you can’t explain. Maybe you’re watching silly reels trying not to cry. And maybe—just maybe—God is speaking to you there too.

He’s not asking you to fix it all.

He’s just asking you to listen.

And tonight, I finally did.

My Prayer For You🙏

“Father, thank You for meeting us even in the dark. For wrestling back what’s been stolen and whispering words of life. Right now, for every heart that feels distant, lonely, or defeated—be their voice. Be their banner. We trust Your timing, Your way, and Your unwavering presence. In Jesus’ name, amen.”